Using the first-person singular pronoun is another great way
to set a boundary without escalating into confrontation.
When you say, “I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me,”
the word “I” strategically focuses your counterpart’s
attention onto you long enough for you to make a point.
The traditional “I” message is to use “I” to hit the pause
button and step out of a bad dynamic. When you want to
counteract unproductive statements from your counterpart,
you can say, “I feel when you because ___,” and
that demands a time-out from the other person.
But be careful with the big “I”: You have to be mindful
not to use a tone that is aggressive or creates an argument.
It’s got to be cool and level.
NO NEEDINESS: HAVING THE READY-TO-WALK
MINDSET
We’ve said previously that no deal is better than a bad deal.
If you feel you can’t say “No” then you’ve taken yourself
hostage.
Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have
to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal.
Before we move on, I want to emphasize how important it is
to maintain a collaborative relationship even when you’re
setting boundaries. Your response must always be expressed
in the form of strong, yet empathic, limit-setting boundaries
—that is, tough love—not as hatred or violence. Anger and
other strong emotions can on rare occasions be effective.
But only as calculated acts, never a personal attack. In any