Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

anything—a great negotiator, a great manager, a great
husband, a great wife—you’re going to have to do that.
You’re going to have to ignore that little genie who’s telling
you to give up, to just get along—as well as that other genie
who’s telling you to lash out and yell.
You’re going to have to embrace regular, thoughtful
conflict as the basis of effective negotiation—and of life.
Please remember that our emphasis throughout the book is
that the adversary is the situation and that the person that
you appear to be in conflict with is actually your partner.
More than a little research has shown that genuine,
honest conflict between people over their goals actually
helps energize the problem-solving process in a
collaborative way. Skilled negotiators have a talent for using
conflict to keep the negotiation going without stumbling into
a personal battle.
Remember, pushing hard for what you believe is not
selfish. It is not bullying. It is not just helping you. Your
amygdala, the part of the brain that processes fear, will try to
convince you to give up, to flee, because the other guy is
right, or you’re being cruel.
But if you are an honest, decent person looking for a
reasonable outcome, you can ignore the amygdala.
With the style of negotiation taught in the book—an
information-obsessed, empathic search for the best possible
deal—you are trying to uncover value, period. Not to
strong-arm or to humiliate.
When you ask calibrated questions, yes, you are leading