DESTINATION
Remember the amygdala, the part of the brain that generates
fear in reaction to threats? Well, the faster we can interrupt
the amygdala’s reaction to real or imaginary threats, the
faster we can clear the road of obstacles, and the quicker we
can generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust.
We do that by labeling the fears. These labels are so
powerful because they bathe the fears in sunlight, bleaching
them of their power and showing our counterpart that we
understand.
Think back to that Harlem landing: I didn’t say, “It
seems like you want us to let you go.” We could all agree
on that. But that wouldn’t have diffused the real fear in the
apartment, or shown that I empathized with the grim
complexity of their situation. That’s why I went right at the
amygdala and said, “It seems like you don’t want to go back
to jail.”
Once they’ve been labeled and brought into the open,
the negative reactions in your counterpart’s amygdala will
begin to soften. I promise it will shock you how suddenly
his language turns from worry to optimism. Empathy is a
powerful mood enhancer.
The road is not always cleared so easily, so don’t be
demoralized if this process seems to go slowly. The Harlem
high-rise negotiation took six hours. Many of us wear fears
upon fears, like layers against the cold, so getting to safety
takes time.
That was the experience of another one of my students, a