tokens worth between ten and thirty cents each, and were asked to divide the tokens between
themselves and the Harvard students. The Harvard students did no better in predicting how much their
friends would give than they did in predicting the behavior of complete strangers. “They correctly
expect that friends pass more tokens than strangers,” the researchers write, “but they do not expect
more tokens from generous friends compared to selfish friends.” This is a crucial mistake, because
the giving friends end up contributing quite a bit more than the takers.
When we try to zero in on a person’s reciprocity signal, it’s easy to be thrown off by plenty of
noise. To judge givers, we often rely on personality cues, but it turns out these cues can be
misleading. In half a century of research, psychologists have discovered a fundamental personality
trait that distinguishes how people tend to appear in their social interactions. It’s called
agreeableness, and it’s why Peter Audet was fooled by Brad. Like Brad, agreeable people tend to
appear cooperative and polite—they seek harmony with others, coming across as warm, nice, and
welcoming. Disagreeable people tend to be more competitive, critical, and tough—they’re more
comfortable with conflict, coming across as skeptical and challenging.
We tend to stereotype agreeable people as givers, and disagreeable people as takers. When a new
contact appears affable, it’s natural to conclude that he has good intentions. If he comes across as cold
or confrontational, this seems like a sign that he doesn’t care about what’s in our best interests. But
in making these judgments, we’re paying too much attention to the shell of a person’s demeanor,
overlooking the pearl—or clam—inside the shell. Giving and taking are based on our motives and
values, and they’re choices that we make regardless of whether our personalities trend agreeable or
disagreeable. As Danny Shader, the serial entrepreneur from the opening chapter who initially walked
away from David Hornik’s term sheet, explains, “Whether you’re nice or not nice is separate from
whether you’re self-focused or other-focused. They’re independent, not opposites.” When you
combine outer appearances and inner intentions, agreeable givers and disagreeable takers are only
two of the four combinations that exist in the world.
We often overlook that there are disagreeable givers: people who are rough and tough in
demeanor, but ultimately generous with their time, expertise, and connections. As an example, Shader
mentions the late Mike Homer, who ran marketing at Netscape. “He could be crusty as hell on the
outside, but on the inside he was pure gold. When push came to shove, he always did the right thing,
and he was incredibly loyal.” Greg Sands, a Homer disciple and the managing director of a private
equity firm, agrees. “Your fundamental concern is whether people are givers or takers, but you’ve got
this other axis, which is are they nice about it—is their fundamental demeanor welcoming? Homer
had a hard edge. When he was locked onto a path, something that got in the way of that objective
would just get swept away. But he had a big heart, and he wanted to be helpful. He was definitely off
the charts on both” giving and disagreeableness. Another one of Homer’s former employees said that
Homer “seemed like a taker, because he had incredibly high expectations and demands. But at the end
of the day, he really cared about the people. One minute, he was giving me a tough time because his
expectations weren’t being met. The next day, he was helping me figure out what I wanted to do next
in my career, what was the right next job for me.”
The other counterintuitive combination of appearances and motives is the agreeable taker,
otherwise known as a faker. Like Ken Lay at Enron, these people come across as pleasant and
charming, but they’re often aiming to get much more than they give. The ability to recognize agreeable
takers as fakers is what protects givers against being exploited.
michael s
(Michael S)
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