The Book of Joy

very easily with other people.”
The Dalai Lama was saying that when one is thinking about others
with kindness and compassion, one is never lonely. Openheartedness—
warmheartedness—is the antidote to loneliness. It has often amazed me
that one day I can walk down the street feeling judgmental and critical of
others, and I will feel separate and lonely, and the next day I can walk
down the same street with more openhearted acceptance and compassion
and suddenly everyone seems warm and friendly. It is almost as if my
inner state of mind and heart changes the physical and social world
around me completely.
This focus on the importance of warmheartedness echoes the research
of social psychologists Chen-Bo Zhong and Shira Gabriel, who have
found that when people are feeling lonely or socially rejected, they
literally seek warmth, like sipping hot soup. What the Dalai Lama and the
Archbishop were saying is that we can generate that warmth simply by
opening our hearts and turning our attention and our concern to other
people.
“Archbishop, did you want to add anything? I know you haven’t been
a monastic, but you do spend a lot of time in prayer and meditation on
your own.”
“Certainly in our sort of prayer,” the Archbishop explained, “it is
never the alone speaking to the alone. Our concept of God is of a God
who is one, but who is a fellowship, a community, the Trinity. And we are
made in the image of this God. When you become a Christian, you are
incorporated into a fellowship. So even when you go into retreat, you are
not alone.”
“It’s similar to what the Dalai Lama is saying,” I said. “If you
connect, even if that fellowship is seven billion people, then you don’t
feel lonely.”
“Yes, yes,” the Archbishop replied. “It’s something of an oxymoron to
be lonely. But I can very well understand when you feel alienated, when
you are not on the same wavelength, as it were. And one wants to enter
into that sense of being in solidarity. I don’t think we help people by
making them feel guilty. We want to try to be as welcoming as we