The Book of Joy

how we are in such a mess with climate change because of our galloping
consumption, which for the environment has been nothing less than
disastrous. So you buy the small electric car instead, and you say, no I
don’t need or want that big luxury car. So instead of it being your enemy,
now it’s your ally.”
Jinpa translated what the Archbishop had said for the Dalai Lama.
“That’s exactly what I said,” the Archbishop said, and laughed.
“Fortunately, you do not understand Tibetan,” the Dalai Lama shot
back with a quick smile. And then I saw him do what each of them did
throughout the dialogues when they would come to a point of
disagreement: reaffirm the relationship and compliment the other. It
made me think of relationship scientists John Gottman and Julie
Schwartz Gottman’s observation that in successful conflict there is a
“softened start-up,” or a delicate entry into the area of disagreement.
“So I think, from my viewpoint, my spiritual brother’s explanation is
wonderful, wonderful. You see, at the moment that envy or jealousy
develops, you no longer can maintain your peace of mind. So jealousy
actually destroys your peace of mind. Then that jealousy can become
corrosive to the relationship. Even with your good friend, if you develop
some sort of jealousy, it will be very harmful to your friendship. Even
with husband and wife, if some kind of jealousy develops, it will be very
harmful to the marriage. We can see it even with dogs that are eating in a
happy atmosphere peacefully, but if one becomes jealous of what another
has—conflict, fighting.
“It is important to cultivate any emotion that brings joyfulness and
peace of mind. Any sort of emotion that disturbs this happiness and peace
of mind, we must learn to avoid right from the beginning.
“I think it is a mistake just to consider all of these negative emotions,
like anger or jealousy, as normal parts of our mind, something we cannot
do much about. Too many negative emotions destroy our own peace of
mind, our health, and create trouble in our family, with our friends, and in
our community.
“Often envy comes because we are too focused on material
possessions and not on our true inner values. When we focus on