The Book of Joy

easily become embittered. But when we can find a shred of meaning or
redemption in our suffering, it can ennoble us, as it did for Nelson
Mandela.
“One has learned in very many instances,” he continued, “that for us
to grow in generosity of spirit we have to undergo in some way or other a
diminishing, a frustration. You may not always think of it as being so.
There are very few lives that just move smoothly from beginning to end.
They have to be refined.”
“What is it that needs to be refined?”
“Our almost natural response is, When I’m hit, I hit back. When you
have been refined, you want to find out what it is that impelled this other
one to do what he did. And so you put yourself in the shoes of the other.
So it is almost an axiom that generosity of spirit seems to require that one
will have had setbacks to remove the dross.
“Removing the dross,” the Archbishop continued, “and learning, yes,
to put yourself in the shoes of the other. And it seems almost without fail
that generosity of spirit requires that we will have experienced if not
suffering, then at least frustrations, things that seem to want to stop us
from moving in the particular direction that we have chosen. You don’t
move easily, straightforwardly like this. There are things that force you
off course, and you have to come back.” The Archbishop was gesturing
with his delicate and frail right hand, which was paralyzed by polio as a
child, a vivid example of the suffering that he had experienced at a very
young age.
“It is probably something like your muscle,” he concluded. “I mean, if
you want a good muscle tone, you know, you work against it, offering it
resistance, and it will grow. If you are limp, it won’t grow. You can’t
expand the volume of your chest just by sitting. You have to walk up
mountains. There’s a measure of going against, as it were, your nature.
Your natural longing is to want to sit still. But if you do that and become
a sofa cabbage or a couch potato, it’s going to show. So what is true
physically is, in a wonderful way, true spiritually as well. Deep down we
grow in kindness when our kindness is tested.”
“Absolutely, absolutely.” The Dalai Lama was agreeing, swaying back