The Book of Joy

other people who are going through a similar situation. This perhaps is
quite literally the birth of compassion, which means “suffering with.”
The incredible thing, the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop pointed out, was
that this “suffering with” others reminds us that we are not alone, and
actually lessens our own pain. This recognition of our interdependence
begins to soften our rigid sense of self, the boundaries that separate us
from others. The Dalai Lama had said earlier in the week, “If, on the
other hand, I relate to others from the perspective of myself as someone
different—a Buddhist, a Tibetan, and so on—I will then create walls to
keep me apart from others.”
We were back at the conversation that began the week, when we had
just gotten off the airplane and were sitting in the lounge of the airport.
The Dalai Lama had asked, “Where is Bishop Tutu’s self? We can’t find
it.” The Dalai Lama, in a traditional twist of Buddhist reasoning, said,
“This is his body, but not himself. This is his mind, but not himself.”
Buddhists follow this line of inquiry to reduce our attachment to our
identity, recognizing that the less attached we are, the less defensive and
reactive we will be and the more effective and skillful we can be.
As the Dalai Lama and the Archbishop explained, the wider
perspective leads to serenity and equanimity. It does not mean we don’t
have the strength to confront a problem, but we can confront it with
creativity and compassion rather than rigidity and reactivity. When we
take the perspective of others, we can empathize with them. One starts to
see the interdependence that envelops us all, which reveals that how we
treat others is ultimately how we treat ourselves. We also are able to
recognize that we do not control all aspects of any situation. This leads to
a greater sense of humility, humor, and acceptance.