activities are extremely common in the animal kingdom. Chimps kiss and
make up, and it seems that many other species do as well. Not only apes
like us but also sheep, goats, hyenas, and dolphins. Of the species that
have been studied, only domestic cats have failed to show behavior that
reconciles relationships after conflict. (This finding will not surprise
anyone who has cats.)
In The Book of Forgiving, the Archbishop and Mpho outline two
cycles: the cycle of revenge and the cycle of forgiveness. When a hurt or
harm happens, we can choose to hurt back or to heal. If we choose to
retaliate, or pay back, the cycle of revenge and harm continues endlessly,
but if we choose to forgive, we break the cycle and we can heal, renewing
or releasing the relationship.
Unforgiveness leads to ongoing feelings of resentment, anger,
hostility, and hatred that can be extremely destructive. Even short bursts
of it can have significant physical effects. In one study, psychologist
Charlotte vanOyen Witvliet asked people to think about someone who
had hurt, mistreated, or offended them. She monitored their heart rate,
facial muscles, and sweat glands.
When people remembered their grudges, they had a stress response—
their blood pressure and heart rate increased and they began to sweat.
They felt sad, angry, intense, and less in control. When they were asked
to empathize with their offenders and to imagine forgiving them, their
stress responses returned to normal. As social animals, it is very stressful
for us, and for the whole group, when there is rupture in the relationships
that bind us together.
In a review of the research on forgiveness and health, Everett L.
Worthington Jr. and Michael Scherer found that unforgiveness seems to
compromise the immune system in a number of ways, including
disrupting the production of important hormones and the way that our
cells fight off infections.
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