W

“As you just mentioned,” the Dalai Lama added, getting quite
animated, “people think about money or fame or power. From the point
of view of one’s own personal happiness, these are shortsighted. The
reality, as the Archbishop mentioned, is that human beings are social
animals. One individual, no matter how powerful, how clever, cannot
survive without other human beings. So the best way to fulfill your
wishes, to reach your goals, is to help others, to make more friends.
“How do we create more friends?” he now asked rhetorically. “Trust.
How do you develop trust? It’s simple: You show your genuine sense of
concern for their well-being. Then trust will come. But if behind an
artificial smile, or a big banquet, is a self-centered attitude deep inside of
you, then there will never be trust. If you are thinking how to exploit, how
to take advantage of them, then you can never develop trust in others.
Without trust, there is no friendship. We human beings are social
animals, as we’ve said, and we need friends. Genuine friends. Friends for
money, friends for power are artificial friends.”
The Archbishop jumped in. “This God is community, fellowship.
Being created by this God, we are created in order to flourish. And we
flourish in community. When we become self-centered, turning in on
ourselves, as sure as anything, we are going to find one day a deep, deep,
deep frustration.”

•           •           •

e are left with a paradox. If one of the fundamental secrets of joy
is going beyond our own self-centeredness, then is it foolish
selfishness (as the Dalai Lama would say) and self-defeating to focus on
our own joy and happiness? The Archbishop had already said that we
could not pursue joy and happiness in their own right, so is it not a
mistake to focus on them at all?
Research suggests that cultivating your own joy and happiness has
benefits not just for you, but also for others in your life. When we are
able to move beyond our own pain and suffering, we are more available
to others; pain causes us to be extremely self-focused. Whether the pain