The Book of Joy

guest, he agreed to attend.
Ekman explained that he used to be a very timid and quiet child but
became what is popularly called a “rage-aholic” after experiencing his
father’s belligerence and abuse and his mother’s suicide. Ekman would
have what he and other emotion clinicians call “regrettable incidents,”
flying into a rage several times a week. When he went to see the Dalai
Lama, something very strange happened.
The Dalai Lama took Ekman’s hands, looked into his eyes lovingly,
and suddenly, Ekman said, it felt like all the anger drained out of his
body. He did not have another regrettable incident for over six months,
and although they did return, they were much less frequent. Ekman does
not know what happened to him, but said that perhaps the Dalai Lama’s
deep compassion helped heal some lingering hurt and reactivity. The
Dalai Lama has asked Ekman to map the emotional landscape, to help
others avoid the rocky terrain of negative emotions and find their way
more easily to the promised land of compassion and contentment.
The Dalai Lama had said earlier that if we can discover our role in
creating the situations that upset us, we are able to reduce our feelings of
frustration and anger. Also, when we are able to recognize that the other
person has their own fears and hurts, their own fragile and human
perspective, then we have a chance of escaping from the normal reflex of
anger.
“And so finally, sometimes it is a matter of timing,” the Dalai Lama
said, concluding our first morning session as we were about to break for
tea. “Too much tiredness can lead us to feel frustration and anger. In my
own case, when I encounter some difficult situation in the morning, my
mind is calm, and it is much easier. When the same situation happens in
the late evening, and I am a little bit tired, then I feel annoyed. So your
basic physical condition makes a difference, whether your body is fresh,
whether your mind is fresh. So this also shows how much depends on
your own perception and your limited subjective view.”
Next we had planned to discuss sadness and grief, feelings that so
many try to avoid. I was very surprised to hear them explain how the
royal road to joy would lead right through these emotions.