184 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
8. When people don’t do what’s appropriate or reasonable, I don’t let them get away
with it.9. I’ll pull away from a relationship rather than say anything that could be upsetting.10. You can’t let people continue being selfish or stupid; you have to shake them till they
see what they’re doing.11. I leave people alone, let them be whatever they are.12. If people ignore my needs or insist on things that don’t work for me, I get more and
more upset till they pay attention.If you tended to mark odd numbers, your predominant style is passive; if you checked even
numbers, you may have a tendency to an aggressive problem-solving style.
“I WANT–THEY WANT” RATIO
Every relationship consists of two people trying to get what they need. Sometimes they need the
same thing—companionship, recreation, calm, and quiet—and it’s easy. But when they need dif-
ferent things at the same time, or when one of them needs something the other doesn’t want to
give, there’s trouble. For relationships to succeed you must be able to do the following:
Know and say what you desire. Notice or find out what the other person desires. Negotiate and compromise so you can get at least some of what you want. Give what you can of what the other person wants.If the “I want–they want” ratio isn’t balanced, your relationship becomes unstable. Paying
attention to what each person desires and using assertiveness skills to negotiate conflicts is vital
to maintaining healthy relationships.
Exercise: “I Want–They Want”
The following exercise will help you assess the “I want–they want” ratio. Choose one relation-
ship you want to evaluate. In the left-hand column, fill in the things you want and need in that
relationship.
Under “Outcome,” assess how well those needs are met. In the two right-hand columns, do
the same for the other person. Now take a look at the outcomes on each side of the chart. Are
more of one person or the other’s needs being met? How does the relationship deal with those
unmet needs? Are they ignored or negotiated? Are they sources of blame or withdrawal?