186 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
“I WANT–I SHOuLD” RATIO
Every relationship requires keeping a delicate balance between seeking what you want to do and
doing what you think you should do (for the good of the relationship or the other person). If
most of your focus is directed toward getting and doing what you want with little attention to
what must be done for the other, you’ll soon earn resentment. If you’re overbalanced on the side
of “shoulds”—how you should act, what you should do for the other person—the relationship will
begin to feel like a joyless burden, and you’ll dream of escape.
For many, “shoulds” can become a controlling tyranny, forcing them to ignore important
needs. They’re so busy being good and giving that they fail to notice how depressed and desperate
they’ve become. Sooner or later, the pain of denying yourself grows too big, and you have to escape
or blow up the relationship.
Exercise: The “Shoulds”
Put a check () next to the items that describe your beliefs or feelings:
You should try to give everything that’s asked of you in a relationship, even when it means
putting your own needs aside.When someone is in pain, you should do anything required to help them.You should be caring and considerate at all times.You shouldn’t ask for something if you know the other person doesn’t want to give it.There is a right way to act with people, and it should be followed even if it means keeping
quiet about your feelings and needs.You shouldn’t say no to people; it’s impolite.You shouldn’t express feelings that might upset someone; it’s wrong.You should respond to the needs of others because their needs are a high priority.You should never hurt or offend anyone.You should try not to disappoint others.The more items you checked, the stronger your beliefs about the right and wrong way to relate
with others and the more likely you are to deny your own needs in a relationship. There’s nothing
wrong with having values about how to treat others, but if those values overpower your ability to
ask for what you want, you’ll end up feeling helpless in any relationship.