The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 203

2. How vulnerable is the other person or the relationship?

Very vulnerable 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Not vulnerable

Notice that you can assess each of these variables with a ten-point scale. The higher the total
number, the more forceful it’s appropriate to be. The lower the number, the more moderate and
gentle you should be.

Exercise: Modulating Intensity

Think of some recent situations where you’ve needed another person to change. Evaluate them
using these two key questions and the scoring method. What can you learn about the appropriate
level of intensity and pressure? Did you use too much—or too little—in certain situations? Imagine
what might have happened if you’d adjusted the intensity of your request based on (1) the urgency
of need and (2) the level of vulnerability criteria.
Ask yourself these two questions during every situation where you need to express yourself.
While you may not always have the time or inclination to use the 1 to 10 rating system, remem-
bering “how urgent?” and “how vulnerable?” can help you make split-second decisions about how
much strength, hardness, and volume to put into your voice.
During this exercise, Rachel evaluated some problematic discussions with her husband. One,
in particular, had been very frustrating because she wanted him to attend a parent-teacher confer-
ence that was scheduled for 3:00—a time when he’d have to miss work. Her husband refused. But
their son was having reading problems, and Rachel rated the urgency at an 8, while her husband’s
vulnerability was rated 7—not very vulnerable. Rachel realized that her gentle, easygoing approach
had been a mistake.

MAKING A SIMPLE REQuEST

The skill of making a request is necessary to taking care of yourself. Asking for directions, asking
to change tables at a restaurant, asking your mechanic to show you the parts he replaced on your
car, asking someone not to smoke in your house—these requests are all about self-protection and
quality of life. If you have trouble making such requests, you can easily end up feeling helpless or
resentful.
There are four components to a brief request:

1. A brief justification (optional). Explain in one sentence what the problem is. “It’s hot in

here ... These bags are heavy ... It’s a long way to walk ... These seem a little tight.”

Many situations don’t need any justification; when they do, keep it simple.

2. A softening statement. This is an important piece because it establishes you as a reason-

able person who’s polite and nondemanding. Softening statements often start like this.