204 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
“Would you mind if ...” “It would be helpful if you could ...” “I’d appreciate it if you would ...” (Said with a smile) “Could I have ...” “Hi, I was wondering if ...”Notice that these openers are disarming. They’re far less likely to encounter resis-
tance than a hard-edged demand.3. A direct, specific question. You say what you want clearly and exactly. Leave any charge
or emotion out of your voice. Say what you want in a flat, matter-of fact-way. Don’t
blame or imply that anything’s wrong with the other person. Present your request as
normal and reasonable—something that anyone would be glad to accommodate. Keep
the question to one sentence if you can—the more you elaborate and explain, the more
resistance you’ll tend to run into.4. An appreciation statement. This reinforces the behavior of the other person saying yes to
you. It makes them feel that you value what they’re doing. Here are some examples: “This will really help me out.” “Thanks for your effort with this.” “This will make a real difference.” “This is much appreciated.”When the components are strung together, simple requests can look like these: In a restaurant: “The sun’s really bright. Would you mind lowering the shade a
little? Thanks so much.” In a subway car: “It’s a bit tight here. Could you please move your briefcase off the
seat to make some room? I really appreciate it.” Driving with a friend: “I’m nervous to drive this close, especially at this speed.
Would it be okay with you to leave a little more room between us and the car in
front? Thanks for indulging me on this one.”