206 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
1. “I think.” This part focuses on the facts and your understanding of what’s going on. It
should not include judgments or assumptions about the other person’s motives. It should
not in any way attack. “I think” is a clear description of events and experiences that you
need to talk about—and perhaps change. Here are some examples: “I think we haven’t spent much time together lately—two nights last week,
one the week before.” “You’ve billed me for a repair I didn’t authorize.” “Looking back at the recent past, I think you’ve been late for the majority of
our meetings.” “I'm getting back from the airport late—around 11:00 o’clock—and ...”Notice that there isn’t much hint of emotion in these statements, and there’s no
disapproval in the statement of facts.2. “I feel.” This is an optional component that you’d likely use with a friend or family
member but not with your garage mechanic. The purpose is to give a brief, nonpejora-
tive description of any emotion triggered by the situation. Communication specialists
call this component of assertiveness the “I” statement. That’s because it’s about you and
your particular feelings. Appropriately, any sentence about your emotions should start
w it h “I.” “I feel scared.” “I feel lonely.” “Lately, I feel sad about us.” “I feel hurt, with a twinge of giving up.” “I feel kind of lost and invisible and more and more disconnected.” “I feel rejected.” “I feel hopeful but nervous.”Each example, while naming feelings of varied complexity, never makes the other
person bad or wrong. That doesn’t work—it just makes people defensive and less willing
to give you anything. Accusations and blame statements often start with the word
“you”—so they’re called “you” statements. “You’re hurting me.” “You don’t care about us.”