Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 211I want:How I’ll take care of myself:ASSERTIvE LISTENING
Everyone knows that good communication is a two-way street. But what a lot of people don’t know
is that listening is an active rather than passive process. It requires a full commitment to really
understand what the other person thinks and feels about the problem, and wants to do to change
it. In other words, the same three things you’re learning to express assertively, you’ll also need to
listen for and elicit with questions.
If, while listening, you have any uncertainty about the other person’s feelings or wishes, ask a
direct question. “I’m not really sure how you feel about that—could you tell me more?” “What do
you think we should try to change in this situation?”
The more active your questions, the more you learn and the better equipped you’ll be to
find solutions and compromises that serve both people’s needs. Key questions to ask others are as
follows:
“What’s the central problem, as you understand it?” “How do you make sense of the situation? What do you think’s happening?” “When you’re struggling with (name the problem) , how does it
make you feel?” “When you’re dealing with (name the problem) , what does
it make you want to do?” “What do you think needs to change?” “What would you like me to do to help with this?”For example, Ron noticed that a coworker seemed irritated with a new order-processing system
Ron had just initiated. When Ron asked, “What do you think needs to change?” he got a wealth
of helpful feedback, and the whole emotional climate changed.
Assertive listening is extremely valuable, but remember—just because you found out what
someone needs, it doesn’t mean you have to give it to them.