The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 217

Probing

The key phrase here is this:

 “What is it about (name the situation) that

bothers you?”

Just keep asking it until you get something useful.
For example, let’s return to a previous example of a person who was accused of not pulling
his weight. Imagine that you were criticized in that way. Here’s how probing could help you.

Critic: You’re not pulling your weight around here.

Yo u: What is it about my work that bothers you?

Critic: Everybody else is working overtime. You waltz out every night at 5:00.

Yo u: What is it that bothers you about me leaving the office on time?

Critic: The work has to be done. I’m responsible to see that it is. And you just work by

the clock.

Yo u: What is it that bothers you when I work by the clock?

Critic: Somebody else has to finish your work—often me. I want you to stay till

it’s done.

Yo u: I appreciate your explaining to me.

If you wish to probe with more varied questions, review the sample queries in the Assertive
Listening section.

Clouding

This technique allows you to “agree in part” with someone without accepting that everything
they say is true. This calms people down and stops the win/lose arguing game.
The key is to find some part of what’s being said that you can accept and then to acknowledge
that the other person is right about that. Ignore the rest of their argument. One way to agree is
to modify words of sheer exaggeration, such as “always” and “never.”

exaMple #1

Critic: You always get pissed off over little things.

Yo u: It’s true, there are times I find myself getting irritated.