218 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
exaMple #2Critic: You never support me when I need something.Yo u: It’s true, there have been several times when I couldn’t completely support what
you were asking.Notice how clouding steals your critic’s thunder and neutralizes his or her argument. Now the
door is open to real negotiation of legitimate, yet very different needs.
Assertive Delay
This technique gives you room to wait, particularly when things threaten to get hot and
angry. People will often pressure you to make a decision or agree with a plan right away. Assertive
delay allows you to take a break—whether for a few minutes or several hours. During the interval,
you can calm down, think carefully about what’s being said, and prepare a good response. “You’ve
told me a lot, and I need time to sift through and see what I think.” “Give me an hour. This is
important, and I want to think carefully before I say anything.”
HOW TO NEGOTIATE
When a conflict arises that requires negotiation between you and someone else, you need to start
from the position that each of you has valid needs. The RAVEN checklist will keep you on track.
RAVEN stands for the following:Relax. Accept conflict calmly. Take a deep breath before you say the next thing. Release
tension as you exhale.Avoid the aversive. Keep in mind the aversive strategies you might be tempted to use, and
monitor what you say in order to avoid them.Validate the other person’s need or concern. Focus on a fair, mutually agreeable outcome
where both people can get some of their needs met.Examine your values. How do you want to be treated in a relationship—how do you want
to treat others? What do you want to achieve, not only regarding the conflict, but in this
relationship?Neutral voice. Keep anger and contempt out of your voice.Once you’re committed to staying within the RAVEN guidelines, it’s time to start the actual
negotiation process. It begins by each person taking turns and offering solutions. Make sure that a