The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

Advanced Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills 219

solution you offer addresses at least some of the needs of the other person. If you aren’t sure what
those needs are—ask them.
Once you’ve each offered several alternative solutions—without agreement—it’s time to look
for a compromise. Here are some classic compromise solutions:

 I’ll cut the pie; you choose the first piece. After the divorce, Sharon divided the

artwork into two groups—but Lawrence got to choose which one he’d take.

 Take turns. Linda and Moe alternated between going to the mountains and the

beach on their vacations.

 Do both; have it all. Take care of both people’s needs simultaneously.

 Trial period. Agree to a solution only for a specific length of time, after which you’ll

reevaluate. If one party feels the solution isn’t working, negotiations are reopened.

 My way when I’m doing it; your way when you’re doing it. Each person, as he or she

deals with a problem, gets to use their own method. Sam and Katrina were partners

in a small boutique. Sam thought the big “come on in” sign that Katrina made was

garish. They agreed he wouldn’t use it on his days watching the store.

 Tit for tat. Roommates Jill and Denise agreed that if Jill cleaned the bathroom once

a week, Denise would dust and vacuum once a week.

 Part of what I want with part of what you want. Two friends and coworkers planned

to travel together to a convention. One wanted to relax on the train; one wanted

to get there in a hurry by air. They agreed to fly one way and take the train the

other.

 Split the difference. This often works with haggling over a price or how much time

to spend doing something.

Exercise: How to Negotiate

Recall three recent conflicts where you had very different needs from someone else. For each con-
flict, work out two possible compromises from the above list. Describe specifically how you would
implement them.