2
“MUTANT BABY WILL DESTROY US ALL!”
My life’s first achievement was at the moment of my birth. I weighed
twenty-two pounds and nine ounces, which was and still is a world
record. I remain the heaviest baby ever born to this day. When my
mother was pregnant with me, her belly was so big she feared she had
a whole pack of babies in her belly.
“How many are in here?!” she cried out to my father.
Her weight doubled, and then tripled and even noncupled. It was
almost unbelievable. Of course my father was there for her like the
firefighting hero he was, and he assured her all would be well.
“If I stand by you and you stand by me,” he said. “What I mean is,
if we stand next to each other, we can raise this herd of children
together.”
But it turned out to be only one colossal baby. I got delivered by a
caesarean section at the East Surrey Hospital.
My birth left everyone at the East Surrey Hospital speechless. The
doctor felt privileged to have witnessed a medical marvel and he
insisted on conducting a myriad of tests on my mother. He wondered
whether she was a new evolution of the human race, a superhuman,
or perhaps I was. But the tests came out normal. There was nothing
they could detect that explained why I was so big. It was just a
phenomenal phenomenon. News spread throughout the hospital, and
all the staff wanted to see the gigantic baby and his mother. There
was always a crowd of admiring people who surrounded us whenever
she walked around the hospital with me in her arms like a pile of breeze
blocks. But they didn’t have to get too close, I could be seen for
miles.
“How did he get so big?” they asked.
“Nobody knows,” my mother would say. “I ate nothing special,
just the usual diet of exclusively root vegetables and root beer.”