had become infested with hedgehogs, and the only known solution
was to seal all the doors and windows and fill the house with crème
fraîche. As this is toxic to cats we decided it was best to let Patricia
Featherbottom out, but we were right to worry. She jumped onto a
passing circus truck and we never saw her again, which was pretty
ungrateful after all we’d done for her. But, as I always say, you’ve got
to follow, follow, follow your dreams.
With the cat out of the house, Muncho and I got to have fun together
again. There was a cartoon on TV every Sunday evening, which
showed some children who loved to tend their father’s garden. One
day we decided it was time to have our own garden where we would
grow our own root vegetables that only we could eat. We decided to
call it ‘The Secret Garden’, but later changed it to ‘Carrottland’ for
copyright reasons. My sudden interest in horticulture surprised my
parents, but for me it was a way to get over Patricia Featherbottom.
My father reluctantly agreed to let us use a small patch at the back of
the garden.
“So what are we going to plant?” Muncho asked.
“Root vegetables!” I replied.
“And what are root vegetables?”
“They’re a type of vegetable which, when you square it, becomes
a whole vegetable.”
“Really?”
“I have no idea. Let’s grow carrots.”
“YAYYY!”
We didn’t know what we were supposed to do, so I asked my
parents for help.
“What do you need a garden for?” Mother asked.
“Tom and his brother have a garden, why can’t I have one?”
“Tom? Who is Tom?”
“He’s an invisible beetroot who lives in my elbow,” I said,
chuckling.
“Oh dear, here we go again...” said Mother, concerned.