120 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
and generally weave them into conversations that suit our needs.
Most of the time.
However, when stakes rise and our emotions kick in, well,
that's when we open our mouths and don't do so well. In fact, as
we suggested earlier, the more important the discussion, the less
likely we are to be on our best behavior. More specifically, we
advocate or express our views quite poorly.
To help us improve our advocacy skills, we'll examine two
challenging situations. First, we'll look at five skills for talking
when what we have to say could easily make others defensive.
Second, we'll explore how these same skills help us state our
opinions when we believe so strongly in something that we risk
shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.
SHARING RISKY MEANING
Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult
when the ideas we're about to dump into the collective conscious
ness contain delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.
"I'm sorry, Marta, but people simply don't like working with
you. You've been asked to leave the special-projects team."
It's one thing to argue that your company needs to shift from
green to red packaging; it's quite another to tell a person that he
or she is offensive or unlikable or has a controlling leadership
style. When the topic turns from things to people, it's always
more difficult, and to nobody's surprise, some people are better
at it than others.
When it comes to sharing touchy information, the worst alter
nate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool and say
ing nothing at all. Either they start with: "You're not going to like
this, but, hey, somebody has to be honest ... " (a classic Sucker's
Choice), or they simply stay mum.