126 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSthat we say things in extremely ineffective ways. Then, when
we get bad results (and we are going to get bad results), we tell
ourselves that we just can't share risky views without creating
problems. So the next time we've got something sticky to say,
we're even more reluctant to say it. We hold it inside where the
story builds up steam, and when we do eventually share our
horrific story, we do so with a vengeance. The cycle starts all
over again.
Facts are the least controversial. Facts provide a safe beginning.
By their very nature, facts aren't controversial. That's why we call
them facts. For example, consider the statement: "Yesterday you
arrived at work twenty minutes late." No dispute there.
Conclusions, on the other hand, are highly controversial. For
example: "You can't be trusted." That's hardly a fact. Actually, it's
more like an insult, and it can certainly be disputed. Eventually we
may want to share our conclusions, but we certainly don't want to
open up with a controversy.
Facts are the most persuasive. In addition to being less contro
versial, facts are also more persuasive than subjective conclusions.
Facts form the foundation of belief. So if you want to persuade
others, don't start with your stories. Start with your observations.
For example, which of the following do you fm d more persuasive?
or"I want you to stop sexually harassing me!""When you talk to me, your eyes move up and down rather
than look at my face. And sometimes you put your hand on
my shoulder."While we're speaking here about being persuasive, let's add
that our goal is not to persuade others that we are right. We
aren't trying to "win" the dialogue. We just want our meaning to
get a fair hearing. We're trying to help others sec how a rca SOIl-