Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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simply mention the facts, the other person may not understand
the severity of the implications. For example:


"I noticed that you had company software in your brief­
case."
"Yep, that's the beauty of software. It's portable."
"That particular software is proprietary."
"It ought to be! Our future depends on it."
"My understanding is that it's not supposed to go home."
"Of course not. That's how people steal it."

(Sounds like it's time fo r a conclusion.) "I was wondering what
the software is doing in your briefcase. It looks like you're tak­
ing it home. Is that what's going on here?"
It takes confidence. To be honest, it can be difficult to share
negative conclusions and unattractive judgments (e.g., "I'm
wondering if you're a thief"). It takes confidence to share such a
potentially inflammatory story. However, if you've done your
homework by thinking through the facts behind your story you'll
realize that you are drawing a reasonable, rational, and decent
conclusion. One that deserves hearing. And by starting with the
facts, you've laid the groundwork. By thinking through the facts
and then leading with them, you're much more likely to have the
confidence you need to add controversial and vitally important
meaning to the shared pool.
Don't pile it on. Sometimes we lack the confidence to speak
up, so we let problems simmer for a long time. Given the
chance, we generate a whole arsenal of unflattering conclu­
sions. For example, you're about to hold a crucial conversation
with your child's second-grade teacher. The teacher wants to
hold your daughter back a year. You want your daughter to
advance right along with her age group. This is what's going on
in your head:

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