130 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS"I can't believe this! This teacher is straight out of college,
and she wants to hold Debbie back. To be perfectly frank,
I don't think she gives much weight to the stigma of being
held back. Worse still, she's quoting the recommendation of
the school psychologist. The guy's a real idiot. I've met him,
and I wouldn't trust him with a common cold. I'm not
going to let these two morons push me around."
Which of these insulting conclusions or judgments should you
share? Certainly not the entire menagerie of unflattering tales. In
fact, you're going to need to work on this Villain Story before
you have any hope of healthy dialogue. As you do, your story
begins to sound more like this (note the careful choice of
terms-after all, it is your story, not the facts):
"When I first heard your recommendation, my initial reac
tion was to oppose your decision. But after thinking about
it, I've realized I could be wrong. I realized I don't really
have any experience about what's best for Debbie in this
situation-only fears about the stigma of being held back.
I know it's a complex issue. I'd like to talk about how both
of us can more objectively weigh this decision."Look fo r sa fety problems. As you share your story, watch for
signs that safety is deteriorating. If people start becoming defen
sive or appear to be insulted, step out of the conversation and
rebuild safety by Contrasting.
Use Contrasting. Here's how it works:
"I know you care a great deal about my daughter, and I'm
confident you're well-trained. That's not my concern at all.
I know you want to do what's best for Debbie, and I do too.
My only issue is that this is an ambiguous decision with
huge implications for the rest of her life."