132 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSunaware ... " suggests that you're not absolutely certain. "In my
opinion ... " says you're sharing an opinion and no more.
When sharing a story, strike a blend between confidence and
humility. Share in a way that expresses appropriate confidence in
your conclusions while demonstrating that, if appropriate, you
want your conclusions challenged. To do so, change "The fact is"
to "In my opinion." Swap "Everyone knows that" for "I've talked
to three of our suppliers who think that." Soften "It's clear to
me" to "I'm beginning to wonder if."
Why soften the message? Because we're trying to add mean
ing to the pool, not force it down other people's throats. If we're
too forceful, the information won't make it into the pool.
Besides, with both facts and stories, we're not absolutely certain
they're true. Our observations could be faulty. Our stories
well, they're only educated guesses.
In addition, when we use tentative language, not only does it
accurately portray our uncertain view, but it also helps reduce
defensiveness and makes it safe for others to offer differing opin
ions. One of the ironies of dialogue is that when we're sharing
controversial ideas with potentially resistant people, the more
forceful we are, the less persuasive we are. In short, talking ten
tatively can actually increase our influence.
Te ntative, not wimpy. Some people are so worried about
being too forceful or pushy that they err in the other direction.
They wimp out by making still another Sucker's Choice. They
figure that the only safe way to share touchy data is to act as if
it's not important.
"I know this is probably not true ... " or "Call me crazy
but ... "
When you begin with a complete disclaimer and do it in a tone
that suggests you're consumed with doubt, you do the message a
disservice. It's one thing to be humble and open. It's quite another