134 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSfncourage Testing
When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your
invitation makes a big difference. Not only should you invite
others to talk, but you have to do so in a way that makes it clear
that no matter how controversial their ideas are, you want to
hear them. Others need to feel safe sharing their observations
and stories-even if they differ. Otherwise, they don't speak up
and you can't test the accuracy and relevance of your views.
This becomes particularly important when you're having a
crucial conversation with people who might move to silence.
Some people make Sucker's Choices in these circumstances.
They worry that if they share their true opinions, others will clam
up. So they choose between speaking their minds and hearing
others out. But the best at dialogue don't choose. They do both.
They understand that the only limit to how strongly you can
express your opinion is your willingness to be equally vigorous
in encouraging others to challenge it.
Invite opposing views. So if you think others may be hesitant,
make it clear that you want to hear their views-no matter their
opinion. If they disagree, so much the better. If what they have
to say is controversial or even touchy, respect them for finding
the courage to express what they're thinking. If they have differ
ent facts or stories, you need to hear them to help complete the
picture. Make sure they have the opportunity to share by active
ly inviting them to do so: "Does anyone see it differently?"
"What am I missing here?" "I'd really like to hear the other side
of this story."
Mean it. Sometimes people offer an invitation that sounds
more like a threat than a legitimate call for opinions. "Well,
that's how I see it. Nobody disagrees, do they?" Invite people
with both words and tone that say "I really want to hear from
you." For instance: "I know people have been reluctant to speak
up about this, but I would really love to hear from everyone."