136 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
CAROLE: It's a motel down the street. You know that's how
my sister found out that Phil was having an affair. She
found a suspicious hotel bill. [Shares story-tentatively] I
don't have anything to worry about do I? What do you
think is going on with this bill? [Asks fo r other's path]
BOB: I don't know, but you certainly don't have to worry
about me.
CAROLE: I know that you've given me no reason to question
your fidelity. I don't really believe that you're having an
affair. [Con trasting] It's just that it might help put my
mind to rest if we were to check on this right now. Would
that bother you? [Encourages testing]
BOB: Not at all. Let's give them a call and find out what's
going on.
When this conversation actually did take place, it sounded
exactly like the one portrayed above. The suspicious spouse
avoided nasty accusations and ugly stories, shared facts, and
then tentatively shared a possible conclusion. As it turns out,
the couple had gone out to a Chinese restaurant earlier that
month. The owner of the restaurant also owned the motel and
used the same credit card imprinting machine at both estab
lishments. Oops.
By tentatively sharing a story rather than attacking, name
calling, and threatening, the worried spouse averted a huge bat
tle, and the couple's relationship was strengthened at a time
when it could easily have been damaged.
STRONG BELIEFNow let's turn our attention to another communication challenge.
This time you're not offering delicate feedback or iffy stories;
you're merely going to step into an argument and advocate your