138 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSOf course, others aren't exactly villains in this story. They sim
ply don't know any better. We, on the other hand, are modern
day heroes crusading against naivete and tunnel vision.
We feel justified in using dirty tricks. Once we're convinced
that it's our duty to fight for the truth, we start pulling out the
big guns. We use debating tricks that we've picked up through
out the years. Chief among them is the ability to "stack the
deck." We cite information that supports our ideas while hiding
or discrediting anything that doesn't. Then we spice things up
with exaggeration: "Everyone knows that this is the only way to
go." When this doesn't work, we lace our language with inflam
matory terms: "All right-thinking people would agree with me."
From there we employ any number of dirty tricks. We appeal
to authority: "Well, that's what the boss thinks." We attack the
person: "You're not so naive as to actually believe that?" We
draw hasty generalizations: "If it happened in our overseas oper
ation, it'll happen here for sure."
And again, the harder we try and the more forceful our tac
tics, the greater the resistance we create, the worse the results,
and the more battered our relationships.
How Do We Change?
The solution to excessive advocacy is actually rather simple-if
you can just bring yourself to do it. When you find yourself just
dying to convince others that your way is best, back off your cur
rent attack and think about what you really want for yourself,
others, and the relationship. Then ask yourself, "How would I
behave if these were the results I really wanted?" When your
adrenaline level gets below the 0. 05 legal limit, you'll be able to
use your STATE skills.
First, watch for the moment when people start to resist you.
Turn your attention from the topic (no matter how important) to