YEAH. BUT 201Also, don't use your mistrust as a club to punish people. If
they've earned your mistrust in one area, don't let it bleed over
into your overall perception of their character. If you tell yourself
a Villain Story that exaggerates others' untrustworthiness, you'll
act in ways that help them justify themselves in being even less
worthy of your trust. You'll start up a self-defeating cycle and get
more of what you don't want.
WON'T TALK ABOUT ANYTHING SERIOUS
MY SPOUSE IS THE person you talked about earlier. Yo u
know, I try to hold a meaningful discussion, I try tolIYEAH,
BUT. .. work through an important problem, and he or shesimply withdraws. What can I do?"
The Danger Point
It's common to blame others for not wanting to stay in dia
logue as if it were some kind of genetic disorder. That's not the
problem. If others don't want to talk about tough issues, it's
because they believe that it won't do any good. Either they
aren't good at dialogue, or you aren't, or you both aren't-or
so they think.
The Solution
Work on me first. Your spouse may have an aversion to all cru
cial conversations, even when talking to a skilled person.
Nevertheless, you're still the only person you can work on. Start
with simple challenges. Don't go for the really tough issues. Do
your best to Make It Safe. Constantly watch to see when your
spouse starts to become uncomfortable. Use tentative language.
Separate intent from outcome. "" m pretty sure you're not intend-