Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

202 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

ing to ... " If your spouse consistently seems unwilling to talk
about his or her personal issues, learn how to Explore Others'
Paths. Practice these skills every chance you get. In short, start
simply and then bring all your dialogue tools into play.
Now, having said all of this, exercise patience. Don't nag.
Don't lose hope and then go to violence. Every time you become
aggressive or insulting, you give your spouse additional evidence
that crucial conversations do nothing but cause harm.
If you're constantly on your best dialogue behavior, you'll
build more safety in the relationship and your spouse will be
more likely to begin picking up on the cues and start coming
around.
When you see signs of improvement, you can accelerate the
growth by inviting your spouse to talk with you about how you
talk. Your challenge here is to build safety by establishing a
compelling Mutual Purpose. You need to help your partner see a
reason for having this conversation-a reason that is so com­
pelling that he or she will be willing to take part.
Share what you think the consequences of having or not hav­
ing this conversation could be (both positive and negative).
Explain what it means to both you and the relationship. Then
invite your spouse to help identify the topics you have a hard
time discussing. Take turns describing how you both tend to
approach these topics. Then discuss the possible benefits of help­
ing each other make improvements.
Sometimes if you can't talk about the tough topics, you can
more easily talk about how you talk-or don't talk-about them.
That helps get things started.

VAGUE BUT ANNOYING

"YEAH,

BUT. ..

THE PERSON I'M THINKING OF doesn't do blatantly

unacceptable things-nothing to write home about­

just subtle stuff that's starting to drive me crazy."