Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

21 2 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

poorly, while hard-working, energetic family members (or employ­
ees) end up carrying an unfair share of the load.

The Solution

This is another case of pattern over instance. Tentatively STATE
the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games. Let them
know they aren't fooling anyone. In this case, don't focus exclu­
sively on actions, because creative people can always find new
inappropriate actions. "You didn't say I couldn't call her 'stu­
pid.''' Talk about both behaviors and outcomes. "You're hurting
your sister's feelings when you call her stupid. Please don't do
that, or anything else that might hurt her feelings."
Use previous behavior as an example, and then hold them
accountable to results. Don't get pulled into discussing any one
instance. Stick with the pattern.

NO WARNING

u YEA H,

BUT...

I'VE GOT A LOT OF GOOD people working fo r me, but

they're too fu ll of surprises. When they run into prob­

lems, I only find out after it's too late. They always

have a good excuse, so what should I do?"

The Danger Point

Leaders who are constantly being surprised allow it to happen.
The first time an employee says, "Sorry, but I ran into a prob­
lem," the leaders miss the point. They listen to the problem,
work on it, and then move on to a new topic. In so doing, they
are saying: "It's okay to surprise me. If you have a legitimate
excuse, stop what you're doing, tum your efforts to something
else, and then wait until I show up to spring the news."