214 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
The Solution
Let's assume this person is pretty bad all of the time and with
most everyone. Where do you start? Let's apply a metaphor here.
How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Choose your
targets very carefully. Consider two dimensions: (1) What both
ers you the most? "He or she is constantly assuming the worst
and telling horrible stories." (2) What might be the easiest to
work on? "He or she rarely shows any appreciation."
Look for those areas that are most grievous to you and might
not be all that hard to talk about. Pick one element and work on
it. Establish Mutual Purpose. Frame the conversation in a way
that the other person will care about.
"I love it when we're feeling friendly toward each other. I'd
like to have that feeling more frequently between us. There
are a couple of things I'd like to talk about that I'm pretty
convinced would help us with that. Can we talk?"
STATE the issue, and then work on that one issue. Don't nag;
don't take on everything at once. Deal with one element, one day
at a time.