30 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSloved one or coworker and saying: "You'll love this, especially
the parts that I've underlined for you," we'll try to figure out how
we ourselves can benefit. But how? Where do we start? How can
we stay clear of unhealthy games?
Although it's difficult to describe the specific order of events
in an interaction as fluid as a crucial conversation, we do know
one thing for certain: Skilled people Start with Heart. That is,
they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they
stay focused no matter what happens.
They maintain this focus in two ways. First, they're steely-eyed
smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite con
stant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with
them. Second, skilled people don't make Sucker's Choices
(either/or choices). Unlike others who justify their unhealthy
behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or
take fl ight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue, no matter
the circumstances, is always an option.
Let's look at each of these important heart-based assumptions
in turn.
A MOMENT OF TRUTH
To see how the desires of our hearts can affect our ability to stay
in dialogue, let's take a look at a real-life example.
Greta, the CEO of a mid-sized corporation, is two hours into
a rather tense meeting with her top leaders. For the past six
months she has been on a personal campaign to reduce costs.
Little has been accomplished to date, so Greta calls the meeting.
Surely people will tell her why they haven't started cutting costs.
After all, she has taken great pains to foster candor.
Greta has just opened the meeting to questions when a man
ager haltingly rises to his feet, fidgets, stares at the floor, and
then nervously asks if he can ask a very tough question. The way