Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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42 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS


When we (the authors) are in the middle of an on-site work­
shop and we suggest there are alternatives to Sucker's Choicesj
someone invariably says: "Maybe you can speak honestly and
still be heard in other organizations, but if you try it here, you'll
be eaten alive!" Or the flip side: "You've got to know when to
fold if you want to survive for another day." Then in a hail of "I'll
say!" and "Here, here!" many nod in agreement.
At first, we thought that maybe there were places where dia­
logue couldn't survive. But then we learned to ask: "Are you say­
ing there isn't anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk
conversation in a way that solves problems and builds relation­
ships?" There usually is.


SUMMARY-START WITH HEART


Here's how people who are skilled at dialogue stay focused on
their goals-particularly when the going gets tough.


Work on Me First



  • Remember that the only person you can directly control is
    yourself.


Focus on What You Really Want


  • When you find yourself moving toward silence or violencej
    stop and pay attention to your motives.

    • Ask yourself: "What does my behavior tell me about what
      my motives are?"

    • Then, clarify what you really want. Ask yourself: "What do
      I want for myself? For others? For the relationship?"

    • And finally, ask: "How would I behave if this were what I
      really wanted?"



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