46 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
What you don't realize is that two of your friends are walking
down the hallway in the opposite direction conducting a play-by
play of the meeting. They do know what took place.
"It happened again. The boss started pushing so hard for per
sonal agenda items that we all began to act defensively. Did you
notice how at one point all of our jaws dropped simultaneously?
Of course, I was just as bad as the boss. I spoke in absolutes,
only pointed out facts that supported my view, and then ended
with a list of outlandish claims. I got hooked like a marlin."
Later that day as you talk to your friends about the meeting,
they let you in on what happened. You were there, but somehow
you missed what actually happened.
"That's because you were so caught up in the content of the
conversation," your buddy explains. "You cared so deeply about
the shift rotation that you were blind to the conditions. You
know-how people were feeling and acting, what tone they were
taking, stuff like that."
"You sawall that while still carrying on a heated conversa
tion?" you ask.
"Yeah," your coworker explains, "I always dual-process. That
is, when things start turning ugly, I watch the content of the con
versation along with what people are doing. I look for and exam
ine both what and why. If you can see why people are becoming
upset or holding back their views or even going silent, you can
do something to get back on track."
"You look at the 'conditions,' and then you know what to do to
get back on track?"
"Sometimes," your friend answers. "But you've got to learn
exactly what to look for."
"It's a form of social first aid. By watching for the moment a con
versation starts turning unhealthy, you can respond quickly. The
sooner you catch a problem, the sooner you'll be able to work your
way back to healthy dialogue, and the less severe the damage."