48 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
turns crucial, signs that people don't feel safe (silence or vio
lence), and your own Style Under Stress. Let's consider each of
these conversation killers in turn.
learn to Spot Crucial ConversationsFirst, stay alert for the moment a conversation turns from a rou
tine or harmless discussion into a crucial one. In a similar vein,
as you anticipate entering a tough conversation, pay heed to the
fact that you're about to enter the danger zone. Otherwise, yoti
can easily get sucked into silly games before you realize what's
happened. And as we suggested earlier, the further you stray off
track, the harder it can be to return.
To help catch problems early, reprogram your mind to pay
attention to the signs that suggest you're in a crucial conversa
tion. Some people fi rst notice physical signals-their stomach
gets tight or their eyes get dry. Think about what happens to your
body when conversations get tough. Everyone is a little bit dif·
ferent. What are your cues? Whatever they are, learn to look at
them as signs to step back, slow down, and Start with Heart before
things get out of hand.
Others notice their emotions before they notice signs in theit
body. They realize they are scared, hurt, or angry and are begin
ning to react to or suppress these feelings. These emotions can
also be great cues to tell you to step back, slow down, and take
steps to turn your brain back on.
Some people's fi rst cue is not physical or emotional, but
behavioral. It's like an out-of-body experience. They see them
selves raising their voice, pointing their finger like a loaded
weapon, or becoming very quiet. It's only then that they realize
how they're feeling.
So take a moment to think about some of your toughest con
versations. What cues can you use to recognize that your brain