Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

LEARN TO LOOK 53

"Sorry, I'm not going to talk about how to split up the phone

bill again. I'm not sure our friendship can stand another bat­

tle. " (Exits.)

Meaning: We can't talk about even the simplest of topics with­

out arguing.

Violence

Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince,
control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety
by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from
name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most
common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.

• Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking.
  It's done through either forcing your views on others or domi­
  nating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off,
  overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing sub­
  jects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.
  'There's not a person in the world who hasn't bought one of
  these things. They're the perfect gift. "
  Meaning: I can't justify spending our hard-earned savings on
  this expensive toy, but I really want it.
  "We tried their product, but it was an absolute disaster. Every­
  one knows that they can't deliver on time and that they offer the
  worst customer service on the planet. "
  Meaning: I'm not certain of the real facts so I'll use hyperbole
  to get your attention.


• Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dis­
  miss them under a general stereotype or category.
  .. Yo ur ideas are practically Neanderthal. Any thinking person
  would fo llow my plan. "