Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

54 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

Meaning: I can't argue my case on its merits.

"You 're not going to listen to them are you? For crying out loud!

First, they're fro m headquarters. Second, they're engineers. Need

I say more?"

Meaning: If I pretend that all people from headquarters and all

engineers are somehow bad and wrong, I won't have to explairl

anything.

• Attacking speaks for itself. You've moved from winning the
  argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling
  and threatening.
  "Try that stupid little stunt and see what happens. "
  Meaning: I will get my way on this even if I have to bad-mouth
  you and threaten some vague punishment.
  "Don't listen to a word Jim is saying. I'm sorry Jim, but I'm on
  to you. Yo u're just trying to make it better fo r your team while
  making the rest of us su ffer. I've seen you do it before. Yo u're
  a real jerk, you know that? I'm sorry, but someone has to have
  the guts to tell it like it is. "
  Meaning: To get my way I'll say bad things about you and then
  pretend that I'm the only one with any integrity.

look for Your Style Under Stress

Let's say you've been watching for both content and conditions!
You're paying special attention to when a conversation turns cru­
cial. To catch this important moment, you're looking for signs
that safety is at risk. As safety is violated, you even know to
watch for various forms of silence and violence. So are you now
fully armed? Have you seen all there is to see?
Actually, no. Perhaps the most difficult element to watch
closely as you're madly dual-processing is your own behavior.