56 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
You also play this denial game when you ingenuously answer
the question, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," you whimper. Then you shuffle your feet,
stare at the floor, and look wounded.
Become a Vi gilant Self- MonitorWhat does it take to be able to step out of an argument and
watch for process-including what you yourself are doing and
the impact you're having? You have to become a vigilant self
monitor. That is, pay close attention to what you're doing and
the impact it's having, and then alter your strategy if necessary.
Specifically, watch to see if you're having a good or bad impact
on safety.
Your Style Under Stress Test
What kind of a self-monitor are you? One good way to increase
your self-awareness is to explore your Style Under Stress. What
do you do when talking turns tough? To fi nd out, fill out the sur
vey on the following pages. Or, for easier scoring, visit http://www.cru
cia1conversations.comlsus. It'll help you see what tactics you
typically revert to when caught in the midst of a crucial conver
sation. It'll also help you determine which parts of this book can
be most helpful to you.
Instructions. The following questions explore how you typi
cally respond when you're in the middle of a crucial conversa
tion. Before answering, pick a specific relationship at work or at
home. Then answer the items while thinking about how you typ
ically approach risky conversations in that relationship.
T F 1. At times I avoid situations that might bring me into
contact with people I'm having problems with.