Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

72 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

Then they resort to pouting, name-calling, yelling, and making

threats. Ask the following question to determine when Mutual

Respect is at risk:

• Do others believe I respect them?

Can You Respect People You Don't Respect?
Some people fear they'll never be able to maintain Mutual
Purpose or Mutual Respect with certain individuals or in certain
circumstances. How, they wonder, can they share the same pur­
pose with people who come from completely different back­
grounds or whose morals or values differ from theirs? What do
you do, for example, if you're upset because another person has
let you down? And if this has repeatedly happened, how can you
respect a person who is so poorly motivated and selfish?
Yvonne is struggling with this exact point. There are times
when she doesn't even like Jotham. She sees him as whiny and self­
centered. How can you speak respectfully with someone like that?
Dialogue truly would be doomed if we had to share every
objective or respect every element of another person's character
before we could talk. If this were the case, we'd all be mute. We
can, however, stay in dialogue by finding a way to honor and
regard another person's basic humanity. In essence, feelings of
disrespect often come when we dwell on how others are differ­
ent from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking
for ways we are similar. Without excusing their behavior, we try
to sympathize, even empathize, with them.
A rather clever person once hinted how to do this in the form
of a prayer-"Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently
than I." When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it's eas­
ier to find a way to respect others. When we do this, we feel a
kinship, a sense of mutuality between ourselves and even the
thorniest of people. It is this sense of kinship and connection to