76 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSApologize When AppropriateWhen you've made a mistake that has hurt others (e.g., you didn't
call the team), start with an apology. An apology is a statement
that sincerely expresses your sorrow for your role in causing-or
at least not preventing-pain or difficulty to others.
''I'm sorry I didn't give you a call when I learned that we
wouldn't be coming by. You worked all night, it would have
been a wonderful chance to showcase your improvements,
and I didn't even explain what happened. I apologize."
Now, an apology isn't really an apology unless you experience a
change in heart. To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to
change. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning
in order to focus on what you really want. You have to sacrifice a
bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices,
when you give up something you value, you're rewarded with
something even more valuable-healthy dialogue and better
results. Then watch to see if this sincere show of respect has
helped restore safety. If it has, you can now explain the details of
what happened. If it hasn't, you'll need to use one of the more
advanced skills that follow in the next few pages. In any case, first
make it safe; then return to the issue.
When your behavior has given someone clear cause to doubt
your respect or commitment to Mutual Purpose, your conversa
tion will end up in silly game-playing and frustrating misunder
standings until you offer a sincere apology.Contrast to Fix Misunderstanding
Sometimes others feel disrespected during crucial conversations
even though we haven't done anything disrespectful. Sure, there
are times when respect gets violated because we behave in clearly
hurtful ways. But just as often, the insult is entirely unintended.