Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

MAKE IT SAFE 77

The same can happen with Mutual Purpose. You can start by
innocently sharing your views, but the other person believes your
intention is to beat him or her up or coerce him or her into accept­
ing your opinion. Clearly an apology is not appropriate in these cir­
cumstances. It would be disingenuous to admit you were wrong
when you weren't. How, then, can you rebuild Mutual Purpose or
Mutual Respect in order to make it safe to get back to dialogue?
When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent,
step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called
Contrasting.
Contrasting is a don'tldo statement that:

• Addresses others' concerns that you don't respect them or that
  you have a malicious purpose (the don't part).


• Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do
  part).

For example:

[The don't part] "The last thing I wanted to do was com­

municate that I don't value the work you put in or that I

didn't want to share it with the VP.

[The do part] I think your work has been nothing short of

spectacular. "

Now that you've addressed the threat to sa fety, you can return

to the issue of the visit itself and move to remediation:

"Unfortunately, just when I was starting to make the trip out

here, an issue came up with the VP that I needed to address

right then and there, or it could have cost us a huge piece of

our business. I tell you what-I'll see if I can get him down

here sometime tomorrow to review your work. He'll be here

for the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Let's see if we can show off

the process impl'Ovcments you came up with."