Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

78 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

Of the two parts of Contrasting, the don't is the more
important because it deals with the misunderstanding that has
put safety at risk. The employees who worked so hard are act­
ing on the belief that you don't appreciate thejr efforts and
didn't care enough to keep them informed-when the opposite
was true. So you address the misunderstanding by explaining
what you don't intend. Once you've done this, and safety
returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do
intend. Safety first.
Let's go back to Yvonne and Jotham. Yvonne is trying to get
the conversation going, and Jotham suspects her motives. Let's
see how Contrasting might help her.

YVONNE: I think it makes things worse when you withdraw

and won't talk to me for days at a time.

JOTHAM: SO you expect me not only to put up with regular

rejection, but also to be sociable and happy when I do?

Jotham appears to believe that Yvonne's motive is to reshape him.
It's unsafe. Mutual Purpose is at risk. Rather than responding to
his sarcasm, she should step out of the content and clarify her real
motives.

YVONNE: I don't want to suggest that this problem is yours.

The truth is, I think it's ours. I'm not trying to put the

burden on you. I don't even know what the solution is.

What I do want is to be able to talk so that we can under­

stand each other better. Perhaps that will help me change

how I'm responding to you, too.

laTHAM: I know where this is going. We talk, I continue to

get rejected, but you get to feel good about yourself

because "we've communicated." Have you been watching

Oprah again?