MAKE IT SAFE 79Obviously Jotham still believes that Yvonne merely wants to con
firm that their existing relationship is okay and if she does, she'll
be able to continue to reject Jotham-but feel good about it.
lotham still feels unsafe. So Yvonne continues to step out and
build safety, using Contrasting.
YVONNE: Seriously, Honey. I'm not interested in discussing
why our current relationship is really okay. I can see that
it isn't. I merely want to talk about what each of us likes
and doesn't like. That way we'll be able to see what we
need to improve and why. My only goal is to come up
with some ideas that will make both of us happy.
JOTHAM: (Changing tone and demeanor) Really? I'm sorry
to be so insecure about this. I know I'm being a bit selfish
about things, but I don't know how to make myself feel
differently.
Contrasting is not apologizing. It's important to understand
that Contrasting is not apologizing. It is not a way of taking back
something we've said that hurt others' feelings. Rather, it is a
way of ensuring what we said didn't hurt more than it should
have. Once Yvonne clarified her genuine goals (and not merely
some trumped-up goal that appeals to lotham), lotham felt safer
acknowledging his own contribution, and the two were back in
dialogue.
Contrasting provides context and proportion. When we're in
the middle of a touchy conversation, sometimes others hear what
we're saying as bigger or worse than we intend. For example, you
talk with your assistant about his lack of punctuality. When you
share your concern, he appears crushed.
At this point you could be tempted to water down your con
lent-"You know it's really not that big a deal." Don't do it.
Don't take back what you've said. Instead, put it in context. For