80 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSinstance, at this point your assistant may believe you are com
pletely dissatisfied with his performance. He believes that your
view of the issue at hand represents the totality of your respect
for him. If this belief is incorrect, use Contrasting to clarify
what you don't and do believe. Start with what you don't
believe.
"Let me put this in perspective. I don't want you to think
I'm not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to
continue working together. I really do think you're doing a
good job. This punctuality issue is important to me, and I'd
just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive
to that, there are no other issues."
Use Contrasting fo r prevention or fi rst aid. Contrasting is use
ful both as a prevention and as first aid for safety problems. So
far our examples have been of the first-aid type. Someone has
taken something wrong, and we've intervened to clarify our true
purpose or meaning.
When we're aware that something we're about to drop into
the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we
use Contrasting to bolster safety-even before we see others
going to either silence or violence.
"I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate the time
you've taken to keep our checkbook balanced and up to
date. I do appreciate it, and I know I certainly couldn't have
done nearly as well. I do, however, have some concerns
with how we're using the new electronic banking system."
When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the
misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you
don't mean until you've restored safety. Then return to the
conversation. Safety first.