A

16

month after Debu left we closed the Luxvision deal. The China factory site did have real-
estate potential. With the right local partners, we could see a good profit on the deal in two
years. We had closed a complicated deal. Jonathan wanted to celebrate.
‘I am buying a round of drinks. Harry’s at 7,’ he said to Craig and me in the afternoon.
Craig did thumbs up from his cubicle.
‘Radhika, you on?’ Jonathan said. I gave him a blank stare. In the last month I had worked on
autopilot. I showed up at the Goldman office in the morning, sat in my seat, worked on my computer
and left post 8 in the evening. I wanted to reach home as late and as tired as possible. If I had spare
time or the energy to think, I would message and call Debu. He had stopped taking my calls or
responding to messages sometime back. But it didn’t deter me.
I didn’t socialize with anyone. I ate cereal with milk from tetrapacks for breakfast and dinner.
I skipped lunch. I spoke very little to mom. And when I did I asked her meaningless questions like
what she had made for dinner or what the temperature was in Delhi.
I slept no more than two to three hours a night. The rest of the time I stared at the bedroom
ceiling or watched American TV infomercials about slimming products promising eternal fitness and
happiness.
Hence, when Jonathan asked me a simple question, it didn’t register with me.
‘You don’t have plans this evening, do you?’ Jonathan said.
I shook my head. I didn’t have plans. I will never have plans.
‘Come for drinks at Harry’s then. Luxvision deal-closing drinks.’
‘Sure,’ I managed to say.
Of course, heartbreak, alcohol and I are an explosive combination. Everyone celebrated the
end of all the hard work on the China deal with champagne and martinis. I drank my glass of wine to
kill the pain that just would not go away. I couldn’t believe I loved this guy so much. I tried to find
reasons to hate him. How he used to sit watching TV doing nothing. How he would not shower on
weekends until the evening. How he would scan the menu to order the cheapest dishes. Yeah, he isn’t
worth it, Radhika, I tried to tell myself. It didn’t work. In fact, the things that annoyed me about him
made me miss him more. I slipped to one corner of the bar with my second glass of wine. I watched
my colleagues chat and laugh from a distance.
I listened to the song playing in the bar. It was Passenger’s Let her go.

You only need the light when it is burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.