186 PSYCHOLOGY
is to have a stable marriage. If there is a demand for romantic love, then this may
play a role in a desire to have an affair or seek a divorce.
An increased understanding of the above point can be attained by referring to
the idealization-frustration-demoralization syndrome. The syndrome was first iden-
tified about fifty years ago by the communication specialist Wendell Johnson in his
book People in Quandaries.The idealization-frustration-demoralization (IFD)
syndromeis a common interpersonal pattern, often destructive to marriages. The
first stage, idealization,is characterized by a tendency to project on the partner, or
potential partner, special attributes such as unusually good looks, great intelligence,
outstanding creative ability, and so forth. She is a sort of Cinderella; he is a sort of
Prince Charming. The stage of idealization is clearly linked to romantic love.(a) In a stable marriage, romantic love is replaced with love.(b) What is the name of the IFD syndrome stage characterized by a tendency to project on
the partner, or potential partner, special attributes?
Answers: (a) conjugal love; (b) Idealization.The second stage of the IFD syndrome, frustration,emerges when the unreal-
istic expectations set up by the first stage cannot be met. One person lets the other
one down in both big and small ways. Little by little illusions fall away and the
partner is seen clearly, psychological warts and all.
The third stage, demoralization,is characterized by the conviction that the rela-
tionship is hopeless, that even valiant efforts to improve the relationship are
doomed to failure. It is at this point that one member of a couple may seek an
affair, a separation, or a divorce.
Johnson’s basic message is clear. People should enter relationships with their
eyes wide open. They should avoid idealization and an excessive attachment to the
concept of romantic love. Granted, given our culture, a certain amount of
romance is appropriate. However, idealization with its unrealistic expectations sets
up the members of a couple for a fall.(a) What is the name of the IFD syndrome stage that emerges when the unrealistic expecta-
tions set up by the first stage cannot be met?
(b) What is the name of the IFD syndrome stage characterized by the conviction that the
relationship is hopeless?Answers: (a) Frustration; (b) Demoralization.The psychologist John Gottman has conducted a substantial amount of
research into the interpersonal patterns associated with marriage. He has discov-
ered four behavioral tendencies that tend to undermine the stability of a marriage,