Sex and Love: Are You in the Mood? 187and he calls these the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” The first horseman is
criticism.The worst kind of criticism of a partner involves hostile remarks about
the other person’s personality. Statements such as “You’re lazy,” “You’re incon-
siderate,” “You’re dumb,” “You’re wasteful,” and so forth sting and injure the tar-
get person’s self-esteem. Instead, a criticism should be specific about a behavior.
Instead of saying “You’re lazy,” a partner can say “You didn’t throw out the trash”
or “You haven’t mowed the lawn.”
Contemptexists when a partner is treated with little or no respect. If one
person offers a thought or idea, the other one laughs at it or does not take it seri-
ously. Sometimes scorn is conveyed in a nonverbal manner with a sneer or by
turning one’s eyes upward.
Defensivenessinvolves not accepting the value or correctness of a partner’s
complaints. The defensive partner can see no right in what the other person has
said. Instead, extensive rationalizations are produced. These are designed to show
that failures and lack of responsible behavior should be tolerated. An overly defen-
sive partner cannot seem to simply say, when appropriate, “You’re right. I was
wrong. I made a mistake.”
Withdrawal refers to emotional withdrawal. A partner manifesting with-
drawal refuses to communicate in a meaningful fashion. He or she retreats into
emotional isolation, placing a kind of psychological shell, an invisible barrier,
around the self. A partner who is reaching out, who is trying to make contact,
feels barred from entry into the other person’s personal world.
Research suggests that individuals who make a conscious effort to avoid the four
horsemen can improve both the quality and stability of a long-term relationship.
Intimacy is nurtured by understanding the concepts presented in this section.
And, in turn, intimacy itself nurtures the positive aspects of a sexual relationship.(a) Gottman identified four behavioral tendencies that tend to undermine the stability of a
marriage. Name the tendency that exists when a partner is treated with little or no
respect.(b) Name the tendency identified by Gottman that exists when a partner retreats into emo-
tional isolation.
Answers: (a) Contempt; (b) Withdrawal.SELF-TEST
- Which of the following is nota stage of the four-stage sexual response cycle?
a. Excitement
b. Plateau
c. Orgasm
d. Homeostasis